How to Support Someone Who is Grieving

How to support someone who is grieving.

People often ask me, "How can I support (my friend, my relative, my co-worker) who is grieving?"

You cannot fix their grief. There is nothing you can do or say that is going to make this "better" for them. Acknowledge and understand that.

What you CAN do is show up for them. Not just in the days and weeks immediately after their loss. Grief doesn't just stop at the 6 or 8 week mark - which is about when even the best-intentioned people stop checking in. Continue to show up for them, especially through the first year when all of the “firsts” can be incredibly challenging and lonely.

Don’t run away from their grief in fear that you cannot do anything to make them feel better. Let them know you are truly present for them. Let them see and feel that you are willing to sit quietly with them in their grief, holding space for their emotions - whether that is pain, sadness and tears, anger, fear, or any of the other myriad of feelings they may experience while grieving.

Don't be afraid of their tears. Grief tears are literally healing tears, containing endorphins which are chemicals known to help ease both physical and emotional pain. They also help flush stress hormones and toxins out of our system.

Allow them to be silent if that is what they need, without feeling the need to fill the space with conversation. Or honour their need to talk if they wish to, knowing that you are one of the precious safe spaces where they can feel their feelings and know they have someone who is willing to just quietly help them carry their grief.

Show them by example that you are a safe haven where they can take off the mask they wear in front of others.

Don’t wait for them to ask you to support them in some way, and certainly don’t wait for an invitation to show up for them. Grief is exhausting and the truth is that when you are grieving you often don’t know what you want.

One of the greatest gifts while I was grieving my son’s death was 2 neighbours who stopped by almost every day to invite me for a walk. Most times I went. Occasionally I said no, but my saying no didn’t mean they stopped asking. And them showing up at the door was key. If they had phoned to invite me, I likely would have said “no thank you” because I was always worried about imposing my grieving self on others. Them showing up at the door was like an open declaration to me that they were ok with walking beside me in my grief.

💝 Sometimes the greatest gift you can give someone who is grieving is your quiet presence.