Coping vs. Self-Care: How to Find Real Balance When Life Gets Hard

When life gets hard, do you reach for a glass of wine or a good night’s sleep? There’s a difference - and it matters.

We’ve all heard it before…

“Self-care isn’t selfish.”
“You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
“Treat yourself!”

But what exactly is self-care? And is it the same as how we cope when life throws us a curveball?

In Episode 6 of the Transformative Journeys podcast, I unpacked the difference between coping and self-care - two words that are often used interchangeably - but really shouldn’t be. Knowing the difference isn’t just helpful… it’s essential to building real resilience.

Let’s dive into what self-care really is (and what it’s not) and how it’s different from coping. But also why you need both - in balance - to support your overall wellbeing.

Self-Care: More Than Face Masks and Fuzzy Socks

I’m going to be straight-up. Self-care has become a social media buzzword - with curated images of spa days and bubble baths - but here’s the truth:

Real self-care is often... kinda boring.

It’s putting away your phone before bed so you can actually sleep.
It’s saying no when you’re stretched too thin - even if someone’s feelings might get bruised.
It’s doing the dishes before you sit down so your tomorrow-self isn’t stressed out first thing.
Choosing to eat mainly nourishing foods – instead of living on Timmy’s and the stale donuts in the office lunchroom.

And yes, it can also be… naps… books… or a glass of wine with a bestie. But those are the treats. They are not the foundation.

True self-care is proactive. It’s the habits and boundaries you put in place to care for your physical, emotional, and mental health before things start to fall apart. Think of it as preventative maintenance for your soul.

Coping: Emotional First Aid

If self-care is proactive, coping is reactive. It’s what we turn to when we’re in survival mode.

And believe me, I’ve had those days. Sometimes the smaller tools in my resiliency toolbox have saved me from falling apart entirely. But here’s the thing… coping doesn’t build you up. It helps you get through a storm, but it doesn’t help you grow stronger for the next one.

Even helpful coping mechanisms (like deep breathing or journaling) are short-term supports unless you have made them part of your day-to-day, overall well-being foundation. And let’s be honest… some of our go-to coping tools aren’t all that healthy. (Looking at you, nightly glass of wine that I once thought was helping me sleep...).

Building that foundation means being curious about your coping tools and asking yourself:
👉 Is this helping me heal or just helping me hold it together?
👉 Is this helping me move forward or just keeping me from slipping backward?

We Need Both - But We Need Them in Balance

Let’s be clear. Coping isn’t a bad thing! It serves a real purpose, and you definitely need coping tools. When life knocks you flat, you need short-term strategies that help you catch your breath when it feels like you aren’t able to do much else.

🛑 Coping looks like:

Scrolling social media for hours just to zone out
Pouring a glass of wine to “take the edge off”
Retail therapy (hello dopamine…)

But coping doesn’t restore us or help us resolve the stress, pain or depletion we are truly struggling with. So you also need sustainable self-care practices that keep you grounded and nourished, so you’re not always living in survival mode.

When we rely only on coping strategies without building in real self-care, we burn out... we get exhausted... we forget that we deserve to feel peace - not just endure the chaos.

And you, my friend, deserve more than that.

Ready for Practical Strategies? Try some of these:

Check in with yourself daily.

Try a journaling prompt like: “How am I feeling today? What do I need?”
Set a phone alarm to remind you to unplug and do something nurturing before bed.

Add micro-moments of care.

Take a 5-minute stretch break or drink your coffee in quiet.
Step outside and really notice the sky, the trees, or your breath.

Name your coping tools.

Make a list of your current coping tools and categorize them: Which ones help you heal? Which ones help you survive? Which ones might need to be replaced?

Pick one future-you self-care action this week.

Instead of skipping sleep for one more Netflix episode – shut down your electronics 30 minutes earlier and develop a short wind-down routine that helps your sleep.
Instead of reaching for social media to numb-out – try reading something positive or uplifting for 5 or 10 minutes (bonus points if it’s on good old-fashioned paper).
Say no to something that drains you.
Prep a couple of meals so you don’t default to stress-snacking (yes, I’m looking at myself too).

Small, consistent shifts can create long-term positive changes. We’re not trying to be perfect – we’re aiming for awareness and making better choices, one baby-step at a time.

✨ Gentle Reminder

Self-care isn’t earned.
It’s not selfish.
And it doesn’t have to be expensive, glamorous, or photogenic.

It can look like boundaries. Like rest. Like asking for help.
It’s choosing, even in small ways, to show up for yourself with the same care you offer others.

“If it’s only relaxing but it’s not restoring, it might be a treat — but it’s not real self-care.”

📝 Journal Prompt

If you’re journalling along with me, here’s a gentle question to reflect on this week:

“What is one thing I do that helps me get through the day?

And what is one small, actionable thing I could do that would make life better for my future self?”

For more ideas and support, check out the full podcast episode:
🎧 Episode 6: Coping vs. Self-Care – Understanding the Difference and Finding Balance
Available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen.

Want more tools to build your resilience? Grab my free Self-Care Toolkit.

And remember:
You’re not broken for needing rest.
You’re not selfish for setting boundaries.
You’re not alone.