Choosing Yourself Without Guilt: Why Healing Isn’t Selfish
Most of us are quick to show up for the people we care about without so much as a second thought. We’ll stay up late. We’ll hold space for them. We’ll offer comfort, bring meals, offer advice – or just a shoulder or our presence… often without the least hesitation.
But when it comes to offering ourselves that same kind of compassion?
We hesitate.
We feel guilty.
We wonder if we’re being selfish.
Sometimes, we even feel guilty just for resting.
Sound familiar?
Been there. Bought the t-shirt. Waved the frigging “martyr” banner myself.
But here’s what I’ve learned (sometimes the hard way): Choosing yourself isn’t selfish. It’s essential. Especially when no one else is choosing you.
So what is it about many of us that makes self-care feel so wrong?
The truth is, most of us weren’t taught to value our own needs. We were taught to:
- Be good
- Be helpful
- Put others first
- Don’t be “too much”
- Don’t be selfish
What we weren’t taught though, is how to:
- Sit with our own pain - especially in front of others
- Say “no” without guilt
- Treat our needs as equally valid to everyone else’s
So when we do finally try to choose ourselves… to rest just because… to say no without guilt… to set a boundary… it feels uncomfortable. Maybe even wrong.
That discomfort often stems from something called prosocial conditioning - a set of beliefs and behaviours shaped by our families, communities, and cultures, where selflessness is viewed as morally superior. Where love is earned through how much we give to others. Where our belonging feels conditional.
And for many of us - especially women and trauma survivors – it’s not just emotional. It’s biological.
Let’s dig a little bit, into the brain science behind guilt.
About 100,0000 years ago (give or take a few thousand), being accepted by your tribe was a matter of life and death. Rejection and getting kicked out of the tribe could literally get you killed. And while in most families and social circles now, getting rejected by our “tribe” isn’t a life-threatening situation, our brains are still running on that ancient software.
In fact, the same area of our brain that processes physical pain - the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex or dACC (I don’t even try to pronounce this in the podcast…) - also lights up when we experience social rejection (Eisenberger, 2012). That’s why being left out hurts. Why it hurts when someone shows disapproval toward us. Why setting a boundary can feel like danger. And why choosing our own needs over others can feel like a risk.
If you’ve experienced trauma, people-pleasing may have become a form of protection… a way to stay safe. Your nervous system learned that keeping others happy kept you safe. But what’s the cost of always ignoring our own needs?
The Cost of Self-Neglect
Choosing everyone else over yourself - constantly - doesn’t make you virtuous. It makes you exhausted. And it can also make you sick.
Chronic self-neglect and people-pleasing can lead to:
- Increased cortisol levels and suppression of our immune response
- Cognitive fog, poor decision-making, and memory problems
- An increased risk of anxiety, depression, and burnout
- Emotional withdrawal and disconnection
- Something called compassion fatigue
And by the way, compassion fatigue isn’t just “tired.”
It’s a state of emotional, mental, and even physical burnout that happens when you have emptied your cup by caring for everyone else, and not done enough to help you refill your cup. And when that happens, your ability to support anyone
(including yourself) disintegrates.
Self-Care Is Neurologically Necessary
You can’t pour from an empty cup.
And neuroscience tells us that. When you suppress your needs, your amygdala activity (your fear centre) takes over in your brain, impairing logic, emotional regulation, and memory. At the same time, stress hormones like cortisol flood your system - impacting everything from your mood to your immune response.
But here’s the good news: your brain is capable of rewiring itself.
Every time you re-frame a guilt-laced thought…
Every time you pause, breathe, and choose yourself instead of defaulting to everyone else…
You’re creating new neural pathways and reinforcing balance
instead of burnout.
That’s the magic of neuroplasticity.
Choosing yourself does not mean abandoning others.
Let’s be crystal clear:
Choosing yourself doesn’t mean checking out. It means checking in.
With your needs.
With your limits.
With your body, your boundaries, and your bandwidth.
You can love others and say no.
You can support people and protect your peace.
You can show empathy without abandoning yourself.
And when you model that for others? You give them permission to do the same.
One of my favourite quotes says it best:
“Self-care is not me first. It’s me too.” – L.R. Knost
Here’s some things to try that will help rewire guilt:
- Name your “guilt gremlin”. Give that voice in your head a name and personality so you can say, “Thanks for your input - I’m still going to rest.”
- Flip the script. Would you shame your best friend for needing to heal? No? Then don’t do it to yourself.
- Use Both/And language. “I can both love others and say no when I want to.” “I can care and still prioritize my own needs.”
- Create micro-moments of healing. Sit outside. Turn off your phone. Say no to one more thing. Feel your feelings without trying to fix them.
And maybe most importantly?
Replace “selfish” with “sacred.”
Because your peace, your healing, and your humanity - they’re not selfish. They’re sacred.
Grab a notebook, or just sit with this for a minute:
✍️ What’s one small healing thing I’ve been putting off because it felt selfish?
What would it look like to choose myself - without guilt - for just one moment this week?
You don’t have to earn your healing.
You don’t have to wait until everyone else is okay.
And you don’t need to hit rock bottom to deserve a reset.
What if you started treating your own pain like it matters?
Because choosing yourself doesn’t mean you’re self-centred.
It means you’re finally letting yourself matter.
You’re worth that.
And so much more.
Looking for more support?
If guilt’s been whispering in your ear every time you try to slow down…
✨ Grab my Bounce Back Blueprint - a free guide to help you reclaim your energy, time, and emotional bandwidth (without the shame spiral).
👉 Get it here
Or…
💜 Show the podcast a little love by tossing something in the duct tape fund:
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