Building from the Ashes: When Grief Becomes Growth
Do you ever wonder how some people seem to be able to rebound from life’s challenges and tragedies, yet others seem like they are stuck where they are, deeply unhappy, but not able to move forward?
Life can be hard. That’s just a truth.
Sometimes things happen to us that feel completely unfair, seem impossible to navigate, or just so overwhelming that we wonder if we’ll ever feel ok again.
But here’s another truth.
Our experiences shape us – but they don’t have to defeat us or define us.
We can reclaim power over our own story.
We can use life’s challenges as the seeds for our greatest growth – shaping us into stronger and more resilient versions of ourselves.
If we are open to it – and willing to do the sometimes-hard work - they can lead to powerful self-discovery.
In this week’s episode of Transformative Journeys, I talked about how the wisdom and insight gained from painful experiences can be used to build something new and meaningful from what feels like devastation.
But let’s be honest... It takes time. And it’s not something anyone can (or should have to) do alone.
When I lost my 22-year-old son as the result of a workplace fatality in 2006 (that sentence is sometimes difficult to say – even now), what followed was a long, isolating descent into a deep, dark pit of grief. For a long time I felt (if you could call the utter numbness ‘feeling’) like I was watching the world happen around me from under water, or maybe from inside of a bubble. Nothing felt real except the pain of losing my son. It was, and is, indescribable.
I was seeing a counsellor, and as the months passed, from the outside, most people thought I was coping. The reality was that I was just becoming more skilled at keeping what I called my “mask of grief” in place. But the person behind the mask felt little but pain and emptiness. And a shattered identity.
This is especially heartbreaking because I was going through all of this while still trying to be a mother to my two daughters, who needed me more than ever.
I may have found my way eventually, but I will be transparent with you and tell you that what shook me into action - what really forced me to choose how I wanted to move forward - was a wake-up call from my youngest daughter.
She was only 13 years old, and in the pain and isolation of her own grief - and the pain of trying to support a mother lost in grief - she had begun to use self-harm as a way to cope. She hid it well though – probably not all that difficult with a mom who was barely coping. I don’t know if you can imagine the devastation and self-recrimination I felt when she accidentally let an injured part of her skin show in front of me and I realized that in my grief, I was letting her flounder alone.
I got her the help she needed… and I got serious about the help I needed.
I sat myself down and asked:
- Was I going to let my loss define me?
- Was “grieving mother” going to be the only identity I carried for the rest of my life?
- Or was I going to pick up the shattered pieces of my life, allow them to shape who I was to become, and create meaning from my loss that might somehow make a difference in the world.
Let me be clear. Choosing to move forward doesn’t mean “getting over it”.
It means letting the experience shape the person you become – not in spite of the pain - but through it.
For me, that choice led me to a community of support through an organization that helped me feel seen, understood, and not so alone in my particular kind of loss. People who “got it”.
It helped me start to heal, it gave me tools to cope, it taught me how to help others on their own journeys of grief, and it gave me the courage to advocate for change.
This is the heart of post-traumatic growth. It’s not about “moving on.” It’s about moving forward. With intention, with self-compassion, and with meaning.
Here are three transformative actions you can take to begin to reclaim your power:
- Change the story you tell yourself.
- Ask yourself if you are defining yourself by your pain, or by your resilience.
- Try to reframe the way you talk to yourself about your challenges from, “I can’t…” to “I may not be able to now, but I can take one small step to…”.
- Announce to yourself that you are going to begin to move forward now. Our thoughts are powerful.
- Say it out loud. “I’m ready to start moving forward.”
- Stop waiting for the perfect moment – there is no such thing.
- Healing starts in the present.
- Take one action – no matter how small - to move forward. Try one of these:
- Write yourself a letter acknowledging your strength.
- Reaching out to someone who is a positive role model
- Make one small change that aligns with who you want to be.
You are not alone.
You are not broken.
And you don’t have to walk this path without support.
✨ Want to dig deeper?
🎙️ Listen to the full episode on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or your favorite platform! 👉 https://transformativejourneys.buzzsprout.com
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