Boundaries Without Guilt: How to Say No and Still Be Kind

By Johanna LeRoux | Transformative Journeys

Have you ever said “yes” when the voice in your head was yelling, “For the love of Gawd, say no!!”?

Same.

For many of us, especially those raised in environments where people-pleasing was rewarded with approval, praise, or expressions of love, the idea of setting boundaries can feel... selfish. A bit dangerous even. We worry about disappointing people, hurting feelings, or seeming like we don’t care. But here’s the truth:

Boundaries are not selfish. They’re self-respect.

They aren’t walls to shut people out. They’re more like those low, friendly garden fences that keep the flowers safe while still letting sunshine and visitors through. Boundaries are how we protect our peace, energy, and well-being.

But even knowing all that… setting boundaries can still feel really frigging hard.

So, why do boundaries feel so uncomfortable?

There’s a reason saying “no” makes your stomach twist. Research shows that parts of our brain (like the amygdala) actually light up when we anticipate social rejection – and not in a good way. Our nervous system responds like we’re in danger. Our heart rate rises, our breathing shifts, and we may even feel panic.

It makes sense. If you’ve spent much of your life saying “yes” to gain approval, acceptance or safety, then always being available or agreeable wasn’t a personality quirk – your brain hard-wired it as a survival instinct.

But a lack of boundaries has consequences for us. Things like:
Resentment. Burnout. Exhaustion. Emotional disconnection. Even physical illness.

Guilt is not a moral compass.

One of the biggest hurdles to setting boundaries is guilt. But guilt doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong - it just means you’re a caring human being. You’ve been taught that your worth is tied to being agreeable, helpful, available.

To paraphrase Mel Robbins in her book “Let Them Theory”, sometimes you have to let people feel disappointed. Let them have their emotions. And let yourself move forward without trying to fix it for them.

There are “hard boundaries” and there are “soft boundaries”.

Some boundaries are non-negotiable.
→ “I don’t accept being spoken to disrespectfully.”
→ “I don’t do last-minute overtime shifts.”
→ “I won’t engage in gossip.”

These are your hard boundaries. Clear, firm, and necessary.

Soft boundaries are more flexible - things you honor depending on energy, capacity, or context:
→ “I’ll host the family get-together, but not every year.”
→ “I’ll take late calls, but only when I’m on-call.”
→ “I’ll help out - but only when I’m not already burned out.”

Communicating boundaries with kindness (and clarity).

• Use “I” statements:
  “I don’t respond to that tone of voice.”
  “I’m not able to do that this time.”
  “I need space right now to take care of myself.”
• Avoid over-explaining:
  You don’t owe anyone a dissertation on your “no.”
  “Thanks for the invite, but I can’t make it.” Full stop.
• Be consistent:
  Boundaries lose their power when they’re wobbly. If someone repeatedly ignores your limits, it’s okay to reduce or limit contact - not to punish them, but to protect your peace.

Start Here: A Gentle Prompt

Not sure where to begin? Ask yourself:
What is one thing I keep saying yes to that leaves me feeling resentful, drained, or anxious?

Start with that. You deserve to feel safe, seen, and steady in your own life.

You’re Not Selfish - You’re Healing

Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out. They’re about showing up for yourself with honesty, care, courage and living in your values.

You matter too.
And no, you’re not a bad person for finally acting like you do.

And if you need a little help getting started?
✨ I’ve created a free guide called the Bounce Back Blueprint - a bite-sized resource to help you reclaim your energy, your “no,” and your sense of self.
Grab it here by subscribing at: transformativejourneys.ca (I promise I don’t email-bomb you, but I’ll let you know when new podcasts drop!)

🎧 Want More?

Listen to Episode 11 of the Transformative Journeys podcast.
🎧 Listen here: https://transformativejourneys.buzzsprout.com
📲 Follow me on Instagram: @transformativejourneys.johanna